Trash Talking Arizona Cardinals

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Ninja ornithologists have come across a little-known species of cardinal, cataloged alongside the usual, pretty seed-eaters. This species is considered an invasive kind, feeding on red meat and Miller Genuine Draft. Often seen circling The University of Phoenix Stadium in Arizona, this avian mutant has even been known to take down larger birds of prey including Eagles and Falcons. There is even a report in the scientific literature of this species, Cardinalis campeonatus, bringing down a Carolina Panther.

Normally considered a mild-mannered bird, at least in comparison to, say, an Eagle or Falcon, this species of Arizona Cardinal is a bit of an aberration. Only discovered in 2008, scientists are scrambling to track this bird in an effort to better predict its behavior. Apparently large flocks have begun an unusual migration towards the Tampa Bay area.

Seen here in this ornithological sketch, the "Champion Arizona Cardinal" as it is colloquially named, sings gleefully:


What's up now, bitches?


The Champion Arizona Cardinal should never be underestimated nor dismissed, and it is always a potentially aggressive predator. Small children should be kept away from the male variety on Sundays, or at least their ears should be plugged while the cardinal sings its lovely birdsong, coincidentally sounding like an offensive boast to human ears. T-shirts may help mitigate anxiety and bring a sense of well-being.

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